*This post about my dream could be a trigger for some. Please be cautious as you read on*
I had a bad dream Monday night. It was so vivid yet hard to describe out loud. We’ll see if I can describe it in writing. Do you know what I mean by that, though? Maybe everyone’s dreams are this way but it was chaotic and jumps all around. It makes sense when I’m in the dream but when I try to describe it out loud, it’s like, “How did I get from here to here?” Anyway, I rarely remember dreams or when I do I go through multiple nights in a row full of dreams that I can’t quite grasp upon awakening. This one was memorable and I think will stick with me for a long time to come.
My husband and I were in a mall and a store in the level below us was a golf store but it was set up like a jewelry store. So it’s all glass and there are two men who we watch get killed (were still on the 2nd level.) They get beat up in a really sped up pace. Like x4 on Fast Forward so it happens very quick and they almost explode. For some reason we know from that point on that we’re in a mass shooting. Next thing I remember is we’re outside and in panic mode but my husband and son (who is suddenly there) go back inside for some reason. I follow and it’s completely dark inside. We hide with a group of people in this corner, maybe under some stairs. We have blankets and are quiet. I’m holding (comforting) some other persons son because mine is with my husband. We watch this guy who I seem to just know is in charge come up to the crowd, so to speak, and suddenly were not hiding anymore. It’s like were huddled together and scared but he’s aware of us and we’re just waiting to see what happens. When he comes up to us he sprays the crowd with a substance. He sprays it with what looks like a gun and the substance is fuel, although there was no smell. I just knew what it was. I’m sitting there so disconnected with my guys. I’m thinking the whole time, “why did you come back in here,” “we gotta get out” but we’re never actually speaking to one another. At this point I know what is ahead is no longer being shot but that we are all going to burn to death. Next it’s like I’m watching from a floaty point of view. I’m watching him and his “team” for lack of a better word. They are just living, in a way. Breakfast is starting to get cooked somehow? I’m watching with the understanding that they are setting up shop with the intention of dragging this out and torturing all of us as long as possible. Then I’m back in my own person and my husband, I hear him for the first and only time during the dream. We look over to the left of us and he says something about how the guy will be closing that window soon. It’s like there are no doors and that window is the only way out. I know once the window gets closed that it will be when everything is going to happen.
Then I wake up.
I woke up feeling dark and heavy. You know that feeling? I hadn’t moved in my sleep and I just laid there processing. It felt so real!
The compliance is the piece that struck me first. As I’m laying there processing, I kept thinking about the Holocaust and how the fear must have been so powerful that people had no choice but to be compliant, even while knowing what was a result of the compliance. We were all just huddled there in that corner of the mall, waiting. Nobody fought or tried to escape.
Now that a little time has gone by, my reflecting thoughts aren’t about what happened in the dream but the Why’s:
- Why are my guys rarely in my dreams? It’s usually random people who are supposedly someone I know or people that I haven’t thought about in many years. My husband and son were finally in one and it was probably the scariest dream I’ve ever had in my life. What’s worse is that we weren’t together. We were physically together but not together in any other sense of the word. They might as well have not even been there.
- What did the dream mean as a whole? I’ve had the fear of a shooting breaking out when I’ve been in a mall. I have that fear frequently now in lots of crowded places I’m in. The burning piece, that is dark and twisty. Why did my dream take that turn?
I’ve heard that dreams don’t actually mean anything similar to how we experience them. I’m not convinced that’s true after having this dream.
Monday was a really stressful and overall bad day at work. Then I picked up my son from school and he fell when I got there and he started crying. When he stood up he ran to his teacher to hold him and that broke my heart. I cried on the way home. It was hot outside so sleep wasn’t the best as a result. My son had come into my room and I was awake after that for what felt like an hour. I couldn’t get back to sleep. When I finally did I had the dream.
My son has been in a very strong “No” Mom/”Yes” Dad phase. To the point where it’s sometimes embarrassing in public and I feel like I have no control over him when his Dad is around. We’re working on it but it’s been really hard to go through. So with that in relation to the dream, that naturally makes sense.
Being in a mass killing situation in my dream is a no brainer too. The fear exists, it’s always in the news and social media. There’s no way I could ponder enough to figure out why the mass killing scenario I found myself in turned to burning. I can’t get over that.
It’s the compliance piece and the fact that I wasn’t “together” with my husband and son during the dream that I think has a deeper meaning.
Am I acting compliant right now in my life toward, or about, something that could be taking me in the wrong direction? I’m a compliant person, in life, overall.
Is it a manifestation of how I view compliance? Because of the fact that I know I’m a compliant person, could this dream be a manifestation of my fears (in a dramatized version, of course) if I remain so regarding aspects of my life right now?
Taking that one step further: Is the whole of it a representation of myself being disconnected. I’ve been doing a lot of going with the flow since having a child, really. Having a child and then the Pandemic. I’ve been unable to really grasp life and take matters into my own hands. Not for a lack of trying but it’s just been a very long period of unprecedented territory.
It’s also perfectly possible that I am just reading WAY too much into it! That is vey much my personality. It’s just hard to believe something so dark and memorable means nothing, right?
I’d love to get some feedback on this one. Does anyone have a dream interpretation book they want to share some insight into this with me?
Until next time,