Dilemma

Work has always been something I struggle with. I’ve never been happy at a job for long. Work is important to me and as a result I have always found it important to be happy doing it. So I’ve had many jobs at this point in search of the right fit. I’ve also struggled with the fact that I have never figured out exactly what it is I want to do. I believe I can do anything my heart desires, or I can at least TRY to do anything. So if I believe in myself that much, my abilities and my motivation, then why can’t I figure it out?

Cut to today, I’m settled into this job now with the City. I’m permanent which gives me the opportunity to become a Union member. It’s an admin role which isn’t exciting but it’s easy. The pay is decent. The hours are what I need. Plus, it’s around the corner from my house. Stability is dialed in at this point which is a HUGE asset in my eyes and something I’ve been looking for in my search.

But guess what? I’m not happy.

Let me be honest about something. While maintaining the infrastructure of the city is one of the most important (and grossly under appreciated) jobs one could have, it is not something I am passionate about. I mean, I’m finding it interesting right now because it is so out of my wheelhouse and foreign that I’m learning a lot but nothing that I learn along the way will create passion for me. I knew that out of the gate!

Things are improving now that I’ve been asked to go full time but the majority of my time up to this point I have not been used to my full potential. It’s important for me to feel like a necessary member of the staff (isn’t it for everyone?) and even with things on the up, I often feel in the dark and minuscule. This, in turn, has often left me thinking about why I am taking time away from my life when I so frequently leave the day going, well that was a waste of my time! Part of me is also torn thinking, if they want to pay you to do nothing than take advantage! I’m just not that type of person at the end of the day. I am here to help. I am here to contribute. Hopefully this piece keeps improving as my hours increase.

The part that has been tugging at me the most is that the work environment isn’t progressive. When I worked at the nonprofit agency I grew a lot in relation to nondiscrimination. I worked there for 3 years and there was annual requirements for training opportunities that included Equity & Inclusion and Pronouns, for example. Keep in mind the type of work being done there had so much to do with that. What I’m doing now is shockingly different. But I enjoyed the challenge of growing in that way. It is important to me, especially as a parent, to consider everyone’s color and everyone’s lifestyle as I go about my day. As I speak, as I make decisions of my own. To be thoughtful and live with intention. My workplace now isn’t making efforts to be anti racist or inclusive without obvious judgement. When I say this I am referring strictly to the everyday conversations that go on in my particular department. I don’t want to give specifics because it is my current place of employment, my livelihood but it bothers me deeply that I’m in a situation now that feels like a cultural regression.

It’s disappointing to be in another work predicament where I’m not only unhappy because I’m not being challenged intellectually, but I’m morally being tested. I also feel like because I’m in my mid to late 30s now and should have my shit together.

I need to put some serious thought into this.

Positive:

I know that I’m happier (happiest, possibly) doing non profit-type work. Helping those who need help. I came to live in the PDX area for an opportunity to do this.

Negative:

That is a bad choice of employment if I’m looking to make money without a major degree to back me up. It’s also a LOT of work for a small amount of money.

Positive:

I’ve always wanted the stability of a substantial retirement fund and benefits that I can afford that will actually take care of my health. And who doesn’t want to work city hours and holidays?

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I was hoping the city job would be somewhere I could settle down. Maybe it’s just this department. Maybe it’s just this city at a snuggly population of 12,000. Too small town mentality? There aren’t a lot of other departments to choose from and not a lot of positions overall. You know, now that I’m in as a permanent employee, I can transfer to any Government agency within the country and keep all the perks. Not that I want to leave Oregon. Maybe I’d find something more fulfilling within the city of Portland? But then I’d have to deal with traffic and that alone makes me think, never mind! I can walk to work right now! The County offers Mental Health services. Maybe I need to keep my eye on that?

Is there a way I can have it all?

I don’t know. There’s always a compromise, I suppose. Fortunately, this dilemma isn’t one that needs to be decided upon immediately.

The Painful Love of Mommyland

After tiptoeing to my bedroom past the babies room, I’m sitting in my bed and feeling like I have to try and get out a quick post. He’s down for a nap after I ended up setting him down in his crib and walking away. He put himself right to sleep! I’ve been feeling the need to put down my thoughts for a while and I’m hoping I have enough time right now to get them out. This is from my phone so I don’t know how well this will look, visually, which is always fun for me before I publish, but that is not the point right now. I just need to get real for a minute.

Before I start, I want to share that I DO NOT intend for my blog to turn into one about parenthood. I intend to keep sharing my thoughts on everything I’m going through, not just mommyland.

I am over 10 weeks into this parenting thing and I’m ashamed to say that it’s been quite miserable. There, I said it. I need to just put that out there. I’m reflecting so much on my time with my baby as I get close to heading back to work. I keep telling my husband that I’m embarrassed to admit the truth so I think that’s why I want to share it now. This period of Lincoln’s life, where he is all tiny and cute. The period everyone says I’ll miss, is excruciating. I can’t wait for him to get a little more independent.

Hear me out.

My pregnancy was kick ass but now I have a child who does not sleep and the repercussions of it are currently negating all the good feels. I can count on one hand the days that he has napped the way a “normal” child is supposed to. He will go 15 hours during the day without sleep. He’ll sleep a bit, at night, thankfully. Well, not last night but lets just hope that was a rarity! I don’t need to go into all the details of the day and the numerous things I’ve tried to get him to sleep. I’ve turned into a Google fiend for any help I can find. Not to mention the fact that it then takes hours upon hours to get him to keep his eyes closed at night because by then he is overly tired.

The point of this post isn’t about, poor me, I’m a new parent who doesn’t get any sleep. I wanted to share because, as a new parent, people don’t relate to you on a real basis. You receive a lot of, oh my baby didn’t sleep either, but that’s how it is. Or the complete opposite where people share that theirs slept through infancy.

My experience has been hard and lonely for so many reasons.

You hear the negatives about parenting in a positive light, if that makes sense. “Oh this piece of it sucks but it will be the most rewarding thing you ever do.” Well, I haven’t been shy to admit the fact that I’m not that Mom who was born to birth children. I don’t believe that’s what I was put on this earth to do. At the same time, I wanted to experience it because I am lucky enough to have the opportunity. Why isn’t the reality of it out there? Why is everyone romanticizing parenthood? For me, so far, there is very little reward and its been hard not having that information to relate to. There’s so much pressure as a parent. The “right” and “wrong” way to do things. I have done everything the best I know how. I’m giving more than I have in me day after day and things aren’t butterflies and lollipops like it’s “supposed” to be when you do the “right” thing.

My immediate family doesn’t live in my area and hasn’t been here to help. I think many people have that luxury and feel it to be so necessary. “It takes a village,” they say. This has been difficult because there’s no escape. I can’t take a break for 24 hours to replenish my mind, let alone sleep. Then there’s the fact that I have been unable to shower until after my husband gets home because I’m with my baby every waking minute. I’ve tried a couple times and had to run out in the middle of it because he starts crying due to another failed nap. I haven’t been able to work out as I figure out my new body. I haven’t felt up to taking him out much. For one, I haven’t figured out how to get presentable as aforementioned. For another, when he doesn’t nap in the car, or in his stroller, I’m just on edge that he’s going to fuss any minute and Im going to have to leave to put him down for a nap… that he won’t take. This might be the saddest part. I can’t take him out and show him off. It’s just been hard to figure out how to do anything, at all.

I know I will eventually, I’ll have to. I keep telling myself to just do it but I’ve run out of confidence.

Any time I have gone out he’s been a pretty good boy, I guess. Overall, he’s a good boy. He’s happy and very healthy.

I feel like I can’t even express myself properly right now and it is turning into a poor me post after all. I guess its harder to put into words how I feel than I thought unless you’re in it with me.

It’s the most defeating and trying feeling when day after day, your baby is clearly exhausted, and he fights sleep. I have never felt more beaten down than I do now. I’m being held together with tape and glue. *Cue Miranda Bailey on Grey’s Anatomy* When I haven’t been able to have but maybe an hour in a day to get my own thoughts together… How would anyone stay sane?

When I wake up in the morning he’s at his happiest. We turn on music, we get silly. We put on the outfit of the day. Were smiling. But I somehow still dread the day ahead because I know its going to be long and my time is going to be consumed and I’m going to break again. I am a strong woman and my strength has left me after this much time of battling something that I never win.

How many days will this go on, I wonder? It will get better, but when? What if it doesn’t? How broken can I get? How many prayers do I need to say? Maybe I didn’t make the right decision deciding to become a parent… How awful of a thought to have. I love him so much. He’s so cute and doesn’t NOT want to sleep. How can I have so many negative emotions associated with such a blessing in my life?

It’s such a complicated thing. I’ve gone 33 years living my life a certain way. Then it’s turned upside down and I need to readjust. Okay, that’s fine. Then this monkey wrench gets added on and it’s like I’m stuck. I cant find the rhythm. There’s no routine because when no on sleeps you just kind of zombie through the day. Now my one on one time with him is coming to a close and I fear I won’t be able to say I enjoyed any of it. I feel guilty and it’s all out of my control. There’s so many changes, and worries, with parenthood and it’s all very challenging but I’ll take it all over this one, single, issue.

Love and Pain. They go hand in hand in this case. Do they always go hand in hand and I just didn’t see it because nothing has ever been quite this powerful in my life? That thought is for another day. A day when my brain can actually handle such an exploration.

I hope I don’t sound like I hate my kid. That’s the guilt piece in me talking. Clearly I don’t hate him, being a mom, or the fact that I made the decision to become a mom and have a kid, I’m posting about him almost daily on social media. I’m not a monster! Here’s one I shared for friends and family earlier today from our sleep-free morning:

I just feel it necessary to share my truth because there isn’t enough truth out there. It’s shamed upon and it shouldn’t be. I hope someone can relate and all your reactions aren’t repulsive and shameful.

On another note: Please send me any recommendations you have to help with the dark circles under my eyes: creams, concealers, de puffers. I’ll need them for when I do, finally, get it together and get back out in the world with my precious baby in tow!

I gotta go, he’s awake again!