Random Thoughts

I was supposed to go into work today as a full time employee for the first time in three years. Looks like that won’t be happening until next week. Well, the going in part anyway. Want to take a guess as to why?


My husband tested positive over the holiday weekend after being exposed by a coworker who’s pregnant wife had it. I’m negative and feeling fine. So is my son but we are still required to quarantine.

Over 2 years later since this damn pandemic started and we (humans) are too stupid to figure out how to protect one another long enough to nip this in the bud.

So now I’m sitting here wondering how I should best spend my unplanned, unpaid free time. You always want extra time with family or extra time to just do whatever it is you want to do. This situation is not that, though. I can’t just go out and about. I need to live respectfully of others.

So that’s why I’m writing, without a true intention which is unlike my usual posts. I’ll start here.

I watched Stranger Things. Why did I think it was the series finale? I won’t ruin anything but it is definitely not over! I was happy with how it ended. It’s odd I’m even into that show. It is the only sci fi type show that I watch. I started in over Halloween one year and it just stuck.

I spoke with my friend of nearly 20 years on the phone the other night. He’s on the East coast and we talked for like 3 hours. I was up until WAY past my bedtime but it was worth it. We haven’t caught up in months. He usually does most of the talking. I feel like I have a boring life on a daily basis but when you connect with someone after that long and start to replay the very few things that have happened it really puts it into perspective! HA. He’s a great story teller and I do not consider myself the same. So as a result I guess I’m not able to glamorize the mundane as well as he and he ends up talking more. He’s had quite the devastating past year. It wasn’t the time to share it with him but he has greatly faltered as a friend to me during that time as well. It’s complicated because I’m in the know about some of his situation. I learned the other night that there was a lot I also didn’t know. And knowing what I know helps me from being completely selfish and saying to him, “You Suck!” Learning more kind of reignited the point of my own feelings. But that time will come and I’m confident we’ll work through it. That’s how we’ve stayed friends for so many years! I’m grateful to have him in my life. He is one of the most important people to me. It was nice to touch base again.

I’ve had this poinsettia since the holidays sitting on my kitchen table. It was still in the red foil packaging and flourishing. My intention has been to pot it but the months have gone by quickly. Actually, my real intention was to toss it after the holidays once it died but that never happened so I decided to give it a proper home. Last weekend I finally got around to finding a pot for it as well as a spot where it will live. The kitchen table isn’t the ideal place for it and I’ve tolerated the amount of space it consumes long enough. I placed it in this new area, still in its original packaging, to “try it on” so to speak. My plan was to officially transfer it this 4th of July weekend when I had some more time. Can you guess what very quickly happened that prevented me from transferring it? Maybe not so shocking for plant enthusiasts, it started to wilt. It appears to be over watered which I have never done before. It seemed to take on an endless amount before. This new spot has less light but it’s still bright (ish). Plants used to be the easiest thing for me to take care of. I had I believe 11, in a prior home. My current home does not get enough light. I have 3 plants now. Two I’ve recently decided to attempt after researching low maintenance plants, and the third is the poinsettia. So I’ve set it outside in the sun in hopes of drying the soil before its too late. We’ll see what happens. Go figure, the second I switch up anything I’m doomed. I don’t know that I’ve ever been able to recover a dying plant once it starts dying. I may have lost my green thumb but I still enjoy it. I’m going to hold onto hope that its not ACTUALLY me, its my dimly lit home. It would be a shame to have put all this effort into this poinsettia and it not work out.

June 19th πŸ™‚
Today πŸ™

A girlfriend of mine recently talked about getting botox πŸ’‰. It was news that actually made me think, “What? Were at that age now, huh?” Here comes another not so shocking guess what happened next? Do I need it too? I’ve been struggling to accept the frown lines that have appeared next to my mouth. Maybe I don’t have to accept them. People my age apparently get botox! So now I’m spiraling. I need to find a trusty anti-aging skincare routine because it’s never too early to start one but there is definitely a time where it’s too late, you know what I mean? πŸ‘΅

Also, what about collagen? Is it just a fad? It’s everywhere and isn’t it also age related? You lose skin elasticity over time and it helps with that I think? Maybe that’s a whole other thing.

I used to take Gingko Biloba regularly because I have the worst memory 🧠. I had a pretty sharp memory while I was pregnant but it’s otherwise shameful. I found my old vitamins! I don’t know why I stopped taking them, maybe I just slowly forgot to. They are VERY expired but I Googled it and I can still take them. They loose potency but don’t spoil. With ageing on the mind, I don’t want that to get any worse than it already is.

My kids first bad word was “Shut Up.” I learned that recently! Not the worst one out there to have as his first, right?! I’m trying to get it under control quickly because I have a preschool reputation to build and I don’t want it to be a bad one. It’s possible (and likely) he learned that from Nick or I but honestly, I don’t think we say that very much. I say the “F word” FAR more often. I say a lot of bad words more often than “Shut Up.” Recently we were watching Home Alone (because he’s my kid so of course wants to watch Christmas movies any time of the year) and he pointed out when one of the sisters, or cousins, said “Shut Up Kevin.” The lightbulb πŸ’‘ went off. That’s where he learned it! And I’m sticking to it. Lets hope he doesn’t start teaching it to all his schoolmates though.

I’m Pro Choice. Not debatable.

I want stricter gun laws. I do not own a gun but can respect responsible gun ownership.

I used to play The Sims a lot. It’s a PC game in case you haven’t heard of it. It’s very time consuming and I would play it years ago when I obviously had more time to waste than I do now. I’m not a big videogame person overall. I saw Sonic is coming back (maybe Sonic never left?) but that brought me a good feeling from when I was really young. I didn’t have the console at my house where I could play often but someone in the neighborhood had it and I remember it being really fun, and hard. I liked Mario and always will. The only other videogame that I became engrossed in besides The Sims was GTA5. It was so addicting and frustrating because it was also hard. Anyway, maybe I’ll spend some time this week playing The Sims although I should probably read something. That sounds like it would be a healthier choice however my current options are a bunch of old dirty mysteries I got for free by Nora Roberts or the Will Smith biography. Nora Roberts is always a good read. I was excited for the Will Smith book when I got it but then the slap happened and now I’m not sure how I feel about him so that one will stay on the shelf for now.

That is all for today’s random thoughts!

I’m hoping I (and my son) can remain COVID free in the coming days so life can resume. Wish us luck! 🀞🏻

πŸ’› Katie

Journaling: Self-Love – Part 6

Share who my biggest idol is and what I can do to be more like them.

I don’t have a specific person that I look up to.

Maybe that’s why I have always felt without direction. Why I’m always searching for my purpose.

I admire those who exude happiness. Bringing some people forward in my mind, happiness appears to be achieved through:

  • The belief in a higher power.
  • Support from family and friends
    • This support allows for a healthy balance between work and free time.
  • An active lifestyle.

Let me accentuate the word β€œappears” because we never really know the reality of anyone’s life, do we? There are many other things I admire in others lives but these few stand out to me because they are factors that I’m striving towards to increase my own happiness. I’ve shared my struggle with wanting to trust in a higher power and feeling conflicted. I’ve shared about the lack of support in my life and the desire to strengthen that. I’ve shared less about the active lifestyle piece. Active meaning fitness and movement being a priority. I think this is important for mental health, not just physical health and is something I need to do better.

I wanted to add something to the list of factors I see in people I admire and that is growth. When I’m noticing major life changes happening in others, it shows me they are in a moment of growth. Those can be positive or negative life changes. It’s worth noting that I think in many ways this growth involves changes due to having, or lacking, the aforementioned factors in their life. Growth, to me, is one of the main purposes of life. Positive changes happen when there is growth, it doesn’t just happen because we had the luxury of waking up that morning. And for those negative changes that happen out of your control, growth will surely follow.

Share who my best friend is and what qualities make them my friend.

My husband is my best friend. He is that (and got promoted to husband) for many reasons but what I appreciate so much is that he loves me unconditionally. He is so loyal and supportive and that’s all my jaded heart needs. Another quality he has, and one consistent within everyone who is closest to me, is realness… authenticity may be a more proper word. If I don’t feel like our relationship, our conversations, are authentic, then what is the point?

Being able to have fun together is key, as well.

Establish my ultimate goal in life.

When I die, I want my son to feel like I was a good mom and provided him a good life. Not in a “she did the best she could” kind of way. I want a bond that is special.

I want to feel fulfilled and successful although I don’t know what that looks like yet.

Love is the overwhelming thought that comes to mind when I think of my ultimate goal.

Delve into how much I truly love myself.

I really don’t want to spend too much time on this one. My answer is a bit pathetic and sad and nobody really wants to read about that, do they?

This has always been an issue for me… loving myself. I’ve never loved my body. I’m hard on myself. My confidence is lacking.

Some things that I love about myself are also things I dislike about myself. A double-edged sword if you will. Take my kind heartedness, for example. I take pride in being the nicest person in the room. I don’t want to be seen as anything other. I have told my husband before that I don’t think I will be happy with myself unless I die with Mother Teresa status… I’m screwed already! πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ So that means that when I’m human and have possibly said something rude, or unintentional, it is not easy for me to let that go. I have lost a lot of sleep over the years tripping out about what I may have said “wrong” in specific situations. This has a deeper meaning that I could explain the reason as to why I do this but I won’t go into that at this time.

My husband is my blog editor. As I felt I was ready to post this, I asked him to give me any edits before I do so. A man who loves me and knows me better than anyone, he suggested a couple additions to this segment. I decided that his suggestions were not only sweet, but correct. So I will include them.

He stated to me that my kind heartedness makes me a good listener who will not push any opinions or agendas on anyone as a response. Thinking about that, I was brought back to when my parenthood journey began. Once that life milestone happens, there is ZERO regard from everyone else around you that has experienced parenthood as well. All kinds of advice, suggestions, and opinions fly at you. Very rarely solicited. My experiences are my own, specific to me. I think this is part of my lack in confidence but I have never felt the need to provide my thoughts on a topic someone is confiding in me without being asked. If you cared, you’d ask, as far as I’m concerned. Quite frankly, I know most people don’t really give a shit what my opinion is anyway.

The other suggestion he gave me is that I follow through on my word and that is absolutely true. I’m reliable and loyal that way.

When I’m unable to follow through on a meetup or event it KILLS me. I always fear I will never be asked to another thing again. That has happened actually, more than once. So in present time I feel worse when these situations happen when the reality is that I should care less because I have more responsibilities than I used to.

Unchecked items drive me bananas. If something needs done, it is much easier for me to just get it done then and there because I often won’t be able to relax until it is. It sits in the back of my mind and never goes away. These are task related situations I’m referring to and I think that is why I’m also the bill payer of the house and the appointment maker. I’m also thorough and really dislike half-ass task doers.

My blog posts are another example, this one specifically! Unfinished writings are always floating around back there. Not as much of a priority, but I will follow through eventually.

When I need to make up time at work, I literally make up every minute. My boss will say, “Haven’t you been coming in early to make up the time? You haven’t missed that much! It’s fine, go home.”

Lately, I’ve been literal like this with receipts. If things don’t add up the way they were supposed to, I trip about it for awhile. This is more of the obsessive side of this trait and I am now steering away from my husband’s point so I will digress!

I believe this will be a lifelong journey for me. Truly loving myself. Growing through my experiences will help me. Having and feeling support will help me. I know that I am unique and special. I hope to give myself more grace and appreciation. I hope to be able to devote more time (money, mainly) to therapy. I had that word “HOPE” tattooed on me when I was young. I have lost my way over the years with truly feeling the meaning of that word. Maybe lost that feeling of hope a bit. I’m happy too see it pop up right now as I type. It’s still in there. I have hope for myself and that there is a lot yet to come for me!

Explore what I’ve learned from journaling this series.

I’ve gone back through and read each post of this series. I never go back and read what I publish. Here is what I took from it:

The first thing I noticed was my spelling errors! I left them as is though because in my mind I completed it and a masterpiece should be left flaws and all.

In total, it has been a couple years that I dragged this thing on and I could go back to that time in my life and remember exactly where I was mentally. I saw that I take enough time in my writing to describe my thoughts in a way that could do that, and that made me happy.

I saw that a lot hasn’t changed in my life overall throughout this time and I will blame a hefty portion of that on the pandemic.

I thought about if my answers would change if I were to start fresh and I think a hefty portion would remain the same.

There was a dream question in Series 4 that I enjoyed reviewing because enough time has passed now that I forgot about those dreams! I’m grateful to have documented them.

The thing to learn was that I need more time for myself and to build my confidence. With that in mind, I need to make an effort but can say emphatically that no mind blowing differences will happen. I am inherently someone who puts others first. I’ve NEVER had confidence. Is it magically going to appear out of thin air? How do you learn that, it’s not a skill I can teach myself like a foreign language, is it?

And that’s that!

If you’ve followed along in this series with me, I appreciate it and want to thank you. I hope you join me on whatever moves me next. No matter what it ends up being, I hope it won’t take so long! I can’t promise that it won’t but I CAN promise I will finish it… eventually! That says something, right?

🀘🏻 Katie

2021. A Reflection.

I am a reflector. Nowadays it’s difficult enough for me to think about the week ahead, let alone the past. What’s for dinner, what bills are due? I think it’s important to reflect, I believe I’ve share my views on that before, and there is no better time to do that than the New Year.

One thing that keeps popping out for me when I think about this past year is the importance of relationships. I think those that are close to me has been a very small number for a long time now and I want to hold on to those relationships very tightly. I’m leaving the year taking these relationships more seriously. That includes the bad part of relationships. My positive relationships have had ups and downs, as they should, and I have a very hard time forgetting the downs. Some of the downs happened YEARS ago and because I don’t understand the situation fully I ruminate on them trying to figure out why it happened. (In my defense, I have a horrible memory, some years worse than others.)

I would like to change that about myself although I don’t know, exactly, how to.

Maybe that means I’m having another conversation with this person about it although then I worry they’re going to say, “What is with you? Why can’t you let this go?” Maybe in some instances I just need to let it go and appreciate where the relationship is now regardless if they hurt me in the past and I don’t feel I really got an explanation or apology. It’s completely possible that I’ve received both an explanation AND an apology but I still am unsettled about it for some reason. If I care about you or the situation at hand, it will usually end in a conversation so that’s more than likely what will end up happening.

I’m also referring to the bad part of relationships where, yes the relationship is a positive one in my life overall, but I’m getting better and more comfortable setting boundaries and communicating that something isn’t working for me, you can’t do that to me, as my friend/family. Situations like this I used to ruminate about but never address so that is a great improvement.

I thinking about specific folks as I type this and I can’t think of one person that I’m going into the New Year where there isn’t some resolution to be had and some lightness to be lifted. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m taking my relationships more seriously this year because I’ve seen growth within them! This makes me want to strengthen them more and, for me, that means a clean and pure heart.

Unfortunately I still have many broken relationships, I’ve been open about them in my writing. I wish more people would be open about their broken relationships because it’s a complicated thing with, often times and certainly in my case, no easy solution. My clean and pure approach to relationships makes it hard for me to just move on blindly. Day to day, yes, that gets easier unfortunately, but I will never STOP hoping there is resolution.

As I wrap things up today, I truly hope you are able to spend some time reflecting in this New Year. Find something to take from all of this craziness the last couple years of the pandemic has brought this world. I’ve had a hard time finding a lot of good in things, and even though this isn’t the most positive reflection I’ve ever had, it has a lot of power that I will hold within me for the rest of my life. The end of the holiday season is always bittersweet. While I declutter my home of all the decorations that I put up, I feel a freshness that comes along with it as it’s stored away and January settles in.

Wishing only the best for myself, my loved ones, and my dear WordPress followers in 2022.

Lord knows we deserve it!

Katie πŸ’›

One thing I can confidently say I’ve learned recently is NOTHING goes the way I thought it would. And that’s okay, I’m learning to go with the flow more even if it feels like its going to pull my insides out!

Image from https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/holidays/g4069/new-years-quotes/