I saw this old friend (that I just keep in touch with on social media nowadays) post something in the new year regarding trying to love herself the way she is, along with a selfie. This was a fairly general post, meaning, I could create any kind of backstory I wanted as to what inspired her to post it. Who knows what is/was going on in her personal life. Selfies are such a common thing. It was the words she posted along with the selfie that sparked some kind of inspiration in me that I didn’t really know I needed.
I am not a big selfie taker. One could think it is a millennial thing; a way for one to show off their good looks. A self confidence is something I inherently assumed many selfie takers have. Filters help with self confidence, of course. Then I began to think about why I don’t post many. I began to question my self confidence. I am, technically, a millennial. I should like taking selfies! After all, I like social media and reality TV like the stereotypical millennial.
I like posting photos of myself, but with my hubby included. I have a certain side I prefer because of insecurities when we post a photo together. In my mind, he’s always been my arm candy. I then start to realize I don’t have much self confidence. I guess it’s not such a shock, maybe just something I’ve been able to not focus much attention on. I go on to realize that maybe I never have. I was chubby when I was little, and made fun of for it. I never had many boyfriends during grade school. I was always in choir and not part of the “cool” crowd. I was never asked to a dance. It wasn’t until I grew up, and looking back, gained some confidence, before guys noticed me. I had more friends, and quite frankly, a lot more fun.
So as simple as that, I think about that post from my old friend, and decide I will make a small change. I will follow her #noselfshaming #lovethebodyImin lead and start by taking more selfies! Loving the body I’m in might be a little harder, and take a little longer. I can, however, immediately stop analyzing every little thing about my pictures and just start sharing them because its about the experience I’m having, or the emotion I’m feeling, not the way I look. Nobody cares about the insecurity I have but myself. If this means me using more filters at first, then so be it.
I’m fairly reserved about what I post on social media. I often go through and delete things later that aren’t necessary. A photo, often reshares/reposts on Facebook, or things I personally share/post. I don’t plan to change that, I will never be the millennial that makes my whole life public. When I look through these photos and posts, though, it is rarely a photo of me, or an accomplishment of mine. I want to look at my Instagram and see more photos of me… just me. I want my Facebook profile picture to be of just me.
Then, just because this is how I am, my thoughts keep going. I begin to think that this revelation could encourage me to get the courage to conquer lots of things that I’m scared of, that I truly believe are no reason fears. Things like heights, for example. Why am I scared of heights? I’ve made a lot of compromises for this fear, so I’m not really cutting myself enough slack, but I don’t remember some single event that made me scared. I also created, somewhere as I’ve gotten older, this fear of bridges. STUPID, POINTLESS FEAR! I live in Portland, I can’t cross any of the beautiful water surrounding this area without crossing a damn bridge!
On a serious note, I am hoping that it will give me some courage to tackle health fears of mine. Athleticism has never been my thing. As I’ve blogged about before, I’ve tried many sports. Running, not my thing. I ran a 5k though, last month. Not being athletic has never stopped me from trying things, but I think I haven’t been successful because of some fear. I’m the one who gets red in the face. I have these memories of being required to run the mile in elementary school and never being able to run the whole thing. They took this pincher thing and measured stomach and under arm fat. Pull ups were a requirement, as well, and an exercise I always have been unable to do. These memories seem more traumatizing than ones that have instilled this fear of failure in me. Maybe it has done both.
I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I’m hearing about this health issue more and more. It looks different on every woman, meaning we all show different side effects. You can find out some of the basics pretty easily online; here is one website for those interested: “http://www.pcosaa.org/pcos-symptoms/”. The approach I have adopted to healing myself is a holistic one. Diet, exercise, supplements, etc. I’ve made progress in the past, right after being diagnosed and was told I am at risk of becoming a diabetic if I continue with the diet and exercise routine I was currently using. Maybe it’s more accurate to say the lack of exercise I was practicing along with the sugar intake that was included in my diet at the time. When I saw progress, I was trying to eat paleo, exercise more frequently, drink less, and saw a naturopath regularly. Then some major life changes happened, some specific events, and I strayed away from this. Kind of fell back into old habits, as so many of us do. It may sound like a bit of a stretch that something such as taking more selfies could help me get back on track. You’re not going to take them if you don’t like how you look due to the weight you are at. Or due to the way your skin looks. I need any help I can get at loving myself. I never felt better when I was really taking care of my body.
I wonder, too, again, as I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts, if my lack of self-confidence is due to feeling a lot of rejection. Some people seem to post more in their insecure state, as a way to get approval. I react the opposite. I almost want to become as invisible as possible in order to not have to worry about ever being rejected again. And maybe this answers the question as to why I feel like I don’t have a lot of support left around me. Maybe, partly, I’ve made it that way.
This is how bad I am at selfies, first of all! I caught a nice smile though, and that is what I am loving about this one!!
Well, we’ll see how it goes! As the title says, Baby Steps. I’ll try to take more selfies. I’ll try to not critique and analyze them. I’ll try to post them more. I’ll see if my theory works. If it starts to slowly crumble some of the walls I’ve built around myself. Maybe I will be inspired to take control of my health again. Maybe I will be so inspired that I will work so hard that I will be able to finally do a pull up! Maybe I’ll have to start a little blog series around my progress. And just because I need to be more forgiving of myself… maybe this theory won’t work. Something will work, it has do. I’m ready. I will never lose hope. Baby Steps.