I have been so uninspired and without the mental capacity to spend time here. I enjoy writing, usually. Writing helps me organize my thoughts. I’m in my head a lot so my blog has been a nice substitute to therapy. However, I have actually started therapy recently. I think about my blog often. I take pride in it and it makes me happy. Because of that, I’m going to spend some time processing my therapy here.
I was in the middle of a journal series last year and I need to finish that because my personality will not allow me to just NOT finish it. It will have to continue to take a backseat, for now.
I’ve been at this… standstill? I don’t know the right word to use to describe life the past 2 years. I had my son in early 2019 and that was life changing. When he was a year old, the pandemic hit. Another life changing event. I’m at this place now where I feel stuck and unfulfilled and where all the hard things are too hard at times and also where all the hard things never change to sometimes easy things. Have you ever gone through a hard time where things suck and because of that, all the things that have sucked in the past seem to be surfacing too? For me, this has led to anxiety, frustration, anger, and more extreme moods that thankfully motivated me to see that I have some things to figure out and need to speak with someone about it!
I need to process the processing so, when inspired to do so, I’ll update you all on my progress. I hope you’ll stay and follow my journey!
I enjoy a massage although my body needs them more than I get them.
I like a bubble bath with a glass of red wine.
Taking a walk along the ocean is something I do so rarely but my headspace is the most clear after doing so than it is after anything else I’ve done.
I used to meditate a lot before I had my son. It would get my head right before work or before bed. It has really helped me. I need to start doing it more often.
I also enjoy sitting in bed and watching reality TV. I used to do this more, as well, before… let’s get real, everything used to happen more before I had my son! Relaxing doesn’t happens often but the time will come again!
Share what qualities I think others admire about me:
I hate questions like these. It sounds like an interview question, doesn’t it? I guess that’s a reason I decided to write this series, though. Positive self analysis is good especially if you’re like me and see the problems within yourself more the assets. It just makes me uncomfortable and I find they take me the longest to answer. I have literally finished typing my thoughts on every other topic here and left this one last. I’ve even edited my way back through, proofread, inserted images, and have everything set so I can publish as soon as I get through it!
I think my honesty is admirable. This can also be a fault of mine. At times, it may be better to withhold the truth but I feel SO guilty when I do. It is admirable because lying comes natural and easy for many people. They may lie because they’re scared, or because of their ego, or because they’re too insecure to tell the truth about whatever situation but those are the reasons I’m truthful.
Due to my honesty, I think people find me trustworthy and that’s admirable because it’s hard to trust people.
These qualities also make me real. Sometimes I think that is why I have less people in my life than others. It’s as if they weed themselves out because there is no bullshit between”you” and I. I guess it’s an admirable quality because it is rare? Why, I may never understand.
I’m curious about others thoughts on this topic. Please leave a comment and let me know!
My proudest moment so far in life has been:
Giving birth to my son.
How annoying, eye roll kind of answer is that? Haha.
I was always terrified of the act of giving birth. That’s one of the reasons I put off having a child for so long. But my whole birthing journey (ew, for lack of a better term) was one I’ll never forget despite having the worlds worst memory. It was such a positive experience overall and I cant believe I did it! The whole process of pregnancy, birth, and then recovery is amazing. I’m proud that I went through it and feel blessed that I was able to. It all feels like a dream in a way.
What do I need to make more time for?
I need to make more time for my marriage. Quality time. My husband and I both do. We need to figure out if and how we want to do that. Parenthood has put a large strain on us, as it does for most I’m sure. We haven’t had the opportunity to prioritize our new selves since becoming parents. We need to decide if we still feel the same way for one another as we did before, and if so, how can we reconnect and keep connecting, moving forward.
The best dream I’ve ever had:
3 stand out although my memory isn’t very vivid.
When my grandma first passed away, that would have been in early 2016, I remember her appearing in one of my dreams. It made me feel like she was with me and I remember her being healthy and happy.
When I was pregnant with Lincoln in 2018, he appeared in one of my dreams. I don’t remember if I knew what sex he was yet at that time or if I was able to tell from the dream. “My baby” was smiling at me though and it comforted me. I felt assured that he would come into this world healthy and happy.
The last one was recent, this one also with Lincoln. In the dream he went from his usual nonverbal communication to clear as day verbal communication within the same sentence. That may be unrealistic to what will really happen but again, it comforted me. It showed me that he will speak when he’s ready and the worry I’m feeling about his delay will disappear along with many other milestones I’ve waited for him to hit, of which he always has!
Join me for ‘Journaling: Self-Love – Part 5’ I will be tasked to:
One of the traits that make me a good friend is my loyalty. If I’m able to trust you and rely on you and truly connect with you, I’m yours! I don’t have many friends and it has been like that my entire life. I want friends, I need friends, but I choose genuine and present souls to be around and that is something you don’t come across every day.
Another trait that makes me a good friend is that I am a good listener. I have found that in life, in general, people like to talk about themselves! More so than I do, anyway. So I’ve been able to connect with others by asking questions which often leads to a connection of some kind. I spend enough time bullshitting chit chat in my work life. I enjoy a good conversation with those I get to spend quality time with.
The last trait I will explore today that makes me a good friend is my ability to have fun! I am a Gemini, after all. Yes, I like to get deep and real and all up in emotions. I also am a really good time and find it so important to let loose. I don’t get to do that near enough nowadays, and that’s okay, but I can certainly tell at times it takes a toll on my headspace. Too much responsibility and good decision making does not make for a happy life/wife/momma.
Share a Funny Story that makes me Laugh every time:
It’s no secret I have a horrible memory but thanks to this video that I post from time to time on social media, I have something to share with you!
It is from both a drunken night and time spent with my husband! What could be better?
One of our favorite getaways was when we went to see Kings of Leon in Seattle in early 2014. That year just kicked ass in general. This is from the end of the night, after walking home from the concert:
What have I done lately that I haven’t been able to brag about?
This one is taking some thought, but I’m going to say waking up everyday and running the household without support. It is not something I would brag about to my coworkers, for example. The average person in my life probably wouldn’t get it nor give a shit. I’m doing what I have to do, like anyone would, and they’re correct. But if my mom and I spoke, I would definitely brag about it to her. Someone who knows how hard it is to keep up on the home, raise children, work, run errands… all the things it takes. It deserves credit because life is not meant to be lived without support from family and friends. My husband and I both deserve bragging rights for our roles in creating this life for our son. It’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
My favorite meal is…
Hmm. I love a good seafood pasta dish.
On Christmas Eve we’ve made the dinner tradition of homemade Alfredo pasta. I will add shrimp to mine.
Yeah, I’m comfortable saying a good seafood pasta dish with some bread, oil and vinegar, and maybe a Caesar salad.
When I was young, living in CdA, ID, there was a restaurant downtown (it’s still there) named Crickets. This has since changed as a menu option but I used to be able to order a bucket of clams. It was, I don’t know, a couple of pounds of clams at least, and that was the best thing ever!
When I was pregnant, my husband and I went to Newport, OR for his birthday in November. Mo’s Seafood and Chowder is famous around the coast. I was craving fresh clams so I ordered theirs. It was everything I wanted and the closest I’ve had match my memories at Crickets. Although I’m sure what made Crickets clams the best thing ever was more that I had all of them to myself than them actually being the best ever! They were not fresh like Mo’s. I liked them so much I took a photo!
Soaking up all that butter with the bread! Mmm Mm Mm. I remember it like it was yesterday!
Enough about steamer clams, I digress! I didn’t know I would go off about them for so long. Ha. My goodness!
What am I proud of myself for today?
I’ll answer this one based off my bragging thoughts above. I’m proud to get through another day. I’m sure so many of us feel this way for various reasons. There have been times, though, where you just don’t feel like you can take one more minute of… whatever it is. But then you do!
Like clockwork, I’m up around the same time with my son. The day brings some of the consistent ‘bang your head against the wall’ challenges, along with some new ones, and thankfully some blessings too. Being home full time with him can feel very repetitive. I often leave the day with a prayer asking for help in how I handle these challenges. Lucky for me, I get a chance to try again and that motivates me to get through the repetitive, routine challenges that far outweigh the blessings most of the time.
For “Journaling-Self Love. Part 4,” I will be tasked to:
List my 5 favorite ways to relax
Share what qualities I think others admire about me.