Communication

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My brother came into town with his 3 kids recently, for a few days, during spring break. They live in Coeur d’Alene, ID. This was the first time they’ve come to Portland, ever, I think. I’ve been trying to get at least the kids to come since we moved here almost 3 years ago. As excited as I was that they were coming, the day they drove in I was so anxious. I have this complicated relationship with my family and all of these complicated emotions that come with it. I was at work that day and not feeling well. I didn’t associate it with anything until later in the day when I noticed the anxiety come on. Then I got in my head a little bit, once I realized. We have trouble communicating. Not just my brother and I but my family and I… or just my family. I like to think I’m a good communicator. That is one area in my life that is always in focus. Communication is such a key to success in relationships, career, etc.. I think it is also the biggest hurtle between my family and I: how I communicate vs. how my family communicates. We have 2 very different styles. I do. They don’t!

I think I’m more of an empathetic communicator in my day to day life. I take pride in my ability to read people. I think I’m often accurate in my abilities to read people. I try to converse in a way that will provide the person I’m communicating with what they are needing out of the conversation. For example, I can bullshit with people. I don’t love it, but I’ve worked in situations where that was a necessary quality to have, so I’ve figured out a way to do it. The secret is to keep the conversation revolving around them! People like to talk about themselves. I am not this way. Well, I can be. If I trust you, which is hard to get to that point with me, or if I’ve been drinking a little bit… Also, I think the majority of the people I interact with on a day to day basis don’t want to hear about “how I am.” Bullshitting does not need an ounce of genuine intention and I’m far too real for that. So I’ve adapted to the keep it about them trick! It’s easier that way. In the grand scheme of things it also protects me a bit, I suppose, from getting too close to people by not having to open up and feeling vulnerable. You get hurt that way and it is not breaking news at this point that I’ve experienced plenty of that by now.

Elaborating on what I mean when earlier I said my family and I have “trouble communicating.” As I write this out, allowing me to process the idea more, it leads me to a conclusion somewhere around this: Little information. Little emotion. Less personal details. Not a far concept from my prior paragraph. This is specific to my brother and I’s relationship. I guess I’ve adapted the bullshit style with him too. I actually really enjoyed him the whole time he was in town! I’ve always really enjoyed him, but he’s been a big teaser (I’m the youngest sibling.) Teasing that almost goes too far though. Then, if I take something personally, for example, I don’t know that we fight, per se, but we just don’t vibe as much. I’m not sure how to describe it. You bring emotions into it though and you’ll see things shift. There was none of that this time. I’m not sure if it was because it has been a really long time since we’ve spent time together, or… on a side note, I don’t know that I can even remember the last time we spent time alone together, and although the kids were around, we had a good majority of one day where we were alone together. As long as emotion is left out of things it will go smoothly, I’m learning. I am a fairly open book with most anyone. I have this emotional side that I can tap into, as you can see considering it has become a side I most often share here, in my blog, and with my husband. That is not a side that will do any good sharing with my brother and therefor things are never quite “real.”

I wonder what his astrological sign is. He was born mid November. He’s technically a Scorpio, which is interesting because my husband is as well. Reading through the sign I’m finding I either 1) Do not know my brother very well, which doesn’t seem like an out of reach concept OR 2) he is more of a Sagittarius. He is right on the cusp of both. It’s funny, I see my husband being so different from my brother in my ways. They have a lot in common though. “They” say you choose partners like the figures in your life, don’t they?  I’m recognizing this sign more in him. Sagittarius.jpg

There’s this communication style with my Mom… now, forgive me, it’s been awhile since I’ve even spoken with her so my memory won’t serve me as well… where you just do NOT talk about, well, problems. This prevents a lot of “realness” from happening. In fact, it promotes one to shut off completely because in theory, if there are obstacles in the way of something, you can’t avoid them and still get to the other side. One of the obstacles could explode as your trying to get around it killing you in the process. You could get lucky and instead, one of those obstacles could reach out and cut you. You live but maybe are left with a gnarly scar or even a lost limb. It is the most damaging communication style I have encountered. Unfortunately, at this point, it has taken over the many good things that our relationship shares.

My mom is also on a cusp. Again, Scorpio. Technically she is a Libra.Scorpio. You never existed

Then there is the communication between my husband and I. We take our upbringings style with us into adulthood, which is so healthy for us…*sarcasm. Communication is our biggest hurtle. We’ve been together almost 13 years now and this piece has definitely tested our love for one another. I don’t even know how to describe it. We bicker, we always have. – I feel he doesn’t hear me. He feels I have no patience with him. He said, she said, you said, I said. Well that’s not how I meant it. Well say what you meant then! – At the end of the day, the BIG things in life; where we want to go, where we want to end up; we see eye to eye on. It makes our bickering seem more trivial than it already is. It’s this love that he never gives up on and wants to always work out. I haven’t had that in any other relationship in my life. Hopefully the communication piece is something we can work out. I’d like to be able to say we rarely fight.

You're right, I'm not wrong

I think this is something many people will be able to relate to. How much time would it save us all if we could try to see things from the other persons perspective.

 

Now it wouldn’t be honest of me to avoid the obvious between all of these relationships. Trauma. We’ve all had plenty of bad things happen to us. We have not all processed and worked through the events. I think that is a piece that will never stop for certain events that happen in life. As we grow, and change, the trauma will resurface. All 3 of these human beings I’ve mentioned have had trauma in their life that I do not know how I could survive from. They are all 3 the strongest people I know. New habits New life.

 

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My Hunt to Success

I have been wanting to write about the theory of success. I find it interesting because it is a topic that means something so different depending on who you are as an individual. I wonder, though, if it all comes back to the same meaning, in some form.

The meaning I’m referring to is career and money. The career piece has been such a focus for my happiness. The money piece has been an unfortunate accessory. Explore this with me:
the-cs-to-success

Growing up in a smaller town, the gap between who has money and who doesn’t is much less than the gap here in Portland, for example. This has to do with the population, the cost of living, etc. It is incomparable, really. Money went a long way in Coeur d’Alene, ID! Financial stress doesn’t equal the same there as it does here. We had food stamps and state financial support when I was young and living with my mom. It provided everything we needed without child support money coming in and her working as a bartender. I started working when I was 15 or 16 so I could have, and do, more things. Crank that up Ten-fold in Portland, with no end in sight! Regardless of the finances we had during my upbringing, I always felt the culture in my town was that you were expected to find a steady job that you could commit to, get married, buy a house and have children. That was considered being successful. Easily satisfied in my eyes. Many people I know are living their best life within this culture.


I’ve always searched far and beyond for something more. Searching for a meaning, my purpose, whatever that is. I’m still looking, and probably always will be.


One thing I’ve learned along the way is that I’m not scared to work hard for my money, and it is very essential to living my most successful life. My journey has been about not settling for less. If I find a job making decent money where I feel fulfilled about the work I am doing, that is my starting point to success. From there, the rest will work out. This is the hardest part, and I haven’t wanted anything holding me back from finding this, therefore forcing me to settle with a life I don’t truly want.


I’m the only member of my family, at this point, to graduate from college. I did so while working full time. An unfortunate thing about this is that because I had to support myself while obtaining my Bachelor’s degree, and chose not to live off student loans, I didn’t get to fully experience college. I studied online in my hometown. Although I was successful, I think if I would have had the opportunity to be on campus I could have worked an internship, or had exposure to some experiences that I missed out on as a result. Now I’m 8 years post graduation and I feel like I never really figured out what I want to do with my life. I currently work at a large non-profit and I think I’m getting closer to where I want to be, but I’m still not there yet. I always hear the voice of my mom from a time right after I graduated high school when I was talking to her about being unsure of what I wanted to do. She told me how weird that was… to not have a focus. I thought at the time, and still think to this day, that it is absolutely not weird to be unsure of what you want to do out of high school. I’m starting to believe she was right at this stage in my life though. Why can’t I figure out what I want to spend my life doing? This is one situation where I sometimes think about the opportunities I could’ve had if there was a little more money to rely on. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed the situation at all.


When I first started in community college, fresh out of high school, I was still a bit more traditional in my thoughts on where I would be in the near future. I thought I would be married and have kids by my mid-to-late twenties. I wanted FIVE! I enjoyed college. I enjoy learning. I was lucky in love, young. Thank Goodness! Once I was settled in love, looking back, it seems like the financial part has been a big struggle for us, together as a unit, and a common focus for how we envision our future. We never had a wedding because we didn’t have the funds to do what we wanted. So we eloped! Then went to Hawaii. Kids became something that neither of us even knew if we wanted together. We longed to be able to provide a better life than we had, as most people do. It takes so long to save up money that it never seemed realistic. We’ve moved around a bit in search of jobs making better money than the one prior. We eventually dropped everything and moved to the Portland area without jobs or a place to live, knowing that it would be our best shot at success, career-wise.

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The longer life goes on, the more I’m learning that it doesn’t matter what I’ve done up to this point because I’m still fighting for the same thing! Now kids are sounding more attractive despite not knowing how things are going to turn out financially for us. Maybe finding a steady job isn’t the worst thing in the world. Stability and comfortability. I wonder if I have gotten so used to searching that I don’t even know when to stop. I just want to be happy and that is actually the most successful thing anyone can do, isn’t it? Searching for something that I can’t put my finger on is starting to not really make sense. It feels like a fight, actually, which is a feeling that I am all to familiar with. Maybe this content, settling idea sounds awful because I have NEVER experienced it. Will I still be able to do all the things I hope to do someday? Will I be able to provide a better life for my kids than I was given? Maybe it’s time to find out!

Self Confidence. Baby Steps.

Love yourself more

I saw this old friend (that I just keep in touch with on social media nowadays) post something in the new year regarding trying to love herself the way she is, along with a selfie. This was a fairly general post, meaning, I could create any kind of backstory I wanted as to what inspired her to post it. Who knows what is/was going on in her personal life. Selfies are such a common thing. It was the words she posted along with the selfie that sparked some kind of inspiration in me that I didn’t really know I needed.

Devote this year

I am not a big selfie taker. One could think it is a millennial thing; a way for one to show off their good looks. A self confidence is something I inherently assumed many selfie takers have. Filters help with self confidence, of course. Then I began to think about why I don’t post many. I began to question my self confidence. I am, technically, a millennial. I should like taking selfies! After all, I like social media and reality TV like the stereotypical millennial.

I like posting photos of myself, but with my hubby included. I have a certain side I prefer because of insecurities when we post a photo together. In my mind, he’s always been my arm candy. I then start to realize I don’t have much self confidence. I guess it’s not such a shock, maybe just something I’ve been able to not focus much attention on. I go on to realize that maybe I never have. I was chubby when I was little, and made fun of for it. I never had many boyfriends during grade school. I was always in choir and not part of the “cool” crowd. I was never asked to a dance. It wasn’t until I grew up, and looking back, gained some confidence, before guys noticed me. I had more friends, and quite frankly, a lot more fun.

So as simple as that, I think about that post from my old friend, and decide I will make a small change. I will follow her #noselfshaming #lovethebodyImin lead and start by taking more selfies! Loving the body I’m in might be a little harder, and take a little longer. I can, however, immediately stop analyzing every little thing about my pictures and just start sharing them because its about the experience I’m having, or the emotion I’m feeling, not the way I look. Nobody cares about the insecurity I have but myself. If this means me using more filters at first, then so be it.

I’m fairly reserved about what I post on social media. I often go through and delete things later that aren’t necessary. A photo, often reshares/reposts on Facebook, or things I personally share/post. I don’t plan to change that, I will never be the millennial that makes my whole life public. When I look through these photos and posts, though, it is rarely a photo of me, or an accomplishment of mine. I want to look at my Instagram and see more photos of me… just me. I want my Facebook profile picture to be of just me.

Then, just because this is how I am, my thoughts keep going. I begin to think that this revelation could encourage me to get the courage to conquer lots of things that I’m scared of, that I truly believe are no reason fears. Things like heights, for example. Why am I scared of heights? I’ve made a lot of compromises for this fear, so I’m not really cutting myself enough slack, but I don’t remember some single event that made me scared. I also created, somewhere as I’ve gotten older, this fear of bridges. STUPID, POINTLESS FEAR! I live in Portland, I can’t cross any of the beautiful water surrounding this area without crossing a damn bridge!

On a serious note, I am hoping that it will give me some courage to tackle health fears of mine. Athleticism has never been my thing. As I’ve blogged about before, I’ve tried many sports. Running, not my thing. I ran a 5k though, last month. Not being athletic has never stopped me from trying things, but I think I haven’t been successful because of some fear. I’m the one who gets red in the face. I have these memories of being required to run the mile in elementary school and never being able to run the whole thing. They took this pincher thing and measured stomach and under arm fat. Pull ups were a requirement, as well, and an exercise I always have been unable to do. These memories seem more traumatizing than ones that have instilled this fear of failure in me. Maybe it has done both.

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I’m hearing about this health issue more and more. It looks different on every woman, meaning we all show different side effects. You can find out some of the basics pretty easily online; here is one website for those interested: “http://www.pcosaa.org/pcos-symptoms/”. The approach I have adopted to healing myself is a holistic one. Diet, exercise, supplements, etc. I’ve made progress in the past, right after being diagnosed and was told I am at risk of becoming a diabetic if I continue with the diet and exercise routine I was currently using. Maybe it’s more accurate to say the lack of exercise I was practicing along with the sugar intake that was included in my diet at the time. When I saw progress, I was trying to eat paleo, exercise more frequently, drink less, and saw a naturopath regularly. Then some major life changes happened, some specific events, and I strayed away from this. Kind of fell back into old habits, as so many of us do. It may sound like a bit of a stretch that something such as taking more selfies could help me get back on track. You’re not going to take them if you don’t like how you look due to the weight you are at. Or due to the way your skin looks. I need any help I can get at loving myself. I never felt better when I was really taking care of my body.

I wonder, too, again, as I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts, if my lack of self-confidence is due to feeling a lot of rejection. Some people seem to post more in their insecure state, as a way to get approval. I react the opposite. I almost want to become as invisible as possible in order to not have to worry about ever being rejected again. And maybe this answers the question as to why I feel like I don’t have a lot of support left around me. Maybe, partly, I’ve made it that way.

Selfie

This is how bad I am at selfies, first of all! I caught a nice smile though, and that is what I am loving about this one!!

Well, we’ll see how it goes! As the title says, Baby Steps. I’ll try to take more selfies. I’ll try to not critique and analyze them. I’ll try to post them more. I’ll see if my theory works. If it starts to slowly crumble some of the walls I’ve built around myself. Maybe I will be inspired to take control of  my health again. Maybe I will be so inspired that I will work so hard that I will be able to finally do a pull up! Maybe I’ll have to start a little blog series around my progress. And just because I need to be more forgiving of myself… maybe this theory won’t work. Something will work, it has do. I’m ready. I will never lose hope. Baby Steps.

Socially Lonely

I’m getting a little raw here, a little real. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Not the real part, but the raw part!

All of the relationships in my life have been complicated.

It is such an unsettling feeling when you walk around often feeling lonely and without a good support system around you. It’s unsettling mostly because I wake up and go to work every day. I have a job that focuses its work around people. I have 100 interactions every day. I’m social in nature. So I guess it goes against my soul, in a way, to feel like no one is very close to me.

My relationships have this reoccurring theme where I have felt abandoned. Where I’ve felt like someone was chosen over me, where I became… less than whatever. I’ve felt like I am easy to give up. Like I did something that ended things, even though the punishment didn’t fit the crime. Abandonment; this reoccurring theme.

I take that feeling with me through adulthood now. Never really getting over the past because it keeps happening. Also, how do you get over things that have happened so many times that you never get closure from? You never get the opportunity to go back to the person and ask why. How uncomfortable would that be anyways? “Excuse me, our relationship ended badly and abruptly, I thought I meant more to you, what is REALLY going on?” You need to have a lot of confidence to address any negative situation face to face. After awhile I get to the point where I think, fuck it, how shitty does a person have to be to just drop someone like that? So I keep myself at a distance. Then I spend a lot of time analyzing myself. What have I done, what do I continue to do, to make people WANT to abandon me. Has it been me all this time? I feel like we all should check ourselves from time to time.

and maybe i push you away

Had I the confidence to address it face to face, who knows what could have happened. Maybe many would have been repaired. Any answers would have to feel better than the way I do when I analyze myself, right? So many years have gone by now. Not to say that I haven’t tried over and over to repair these complicated, often broken, relationships. I just don’t think I’ve ever been able to say: Why don’t you love me anymore? How can you just walk away like this? I’ve been able to repair some. And they haven’t all been me, some have repaired it themselves. But the relationship is never the same. And I take ownership for that piece. Never feeling like we’ve worked through the core of it. Never feeling like the punishment I received was worth the crime. I’m never fully able to move on from the hurt.

I understand I’m being somewhat vague in my thoughts here.

The fact that I am never fully able to get over the past has definitely affected my life.

Is it affect, or effect? I get these 2 mixed up.

It has had an effect on my work life, positively, I would say. I have been professionally rejected SO MANY TIMES, specifically since moving to the Portland area. Rejection makes me work harder. I’ve had to work a lot harder, and longer, for what I want here. I’m great at keeping things professional with coworkers, because this way things don’t get very personal/emotional. I have a lot to lose, because I have no one to fall back on if I fail.

These thoughts sound so negative. I deleted and added so many times. Editing things in a way where the surface is only being scratched right now. I am not a sad, or negative person, by nature. Maybe all these feelings that keep coming to the forefront of my mind means I am growing… or about to. That is what life is about, right? Always learning more, always growing more, changing. Hopefully that is what we are all trying to do!

let me tell you this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sports. A wife’s love became a woman’s perspective.

 

My perspective may not be what you assume. You shouldn’t assume things anyways. That is a judgmental approach to life that will set you up for failure, even if you are often correct in your assumptions!

A little background about me:

aerial kingdone

I have always been a sports fan. I grew up watching sports with my Dad and Brother. I had no choice. Being from the Seattle area, I remember going to Mariners games when they were still in the Kingdome. Watching Ken Griffey Jr. and Randy Johnson. I loved Ken Griffey because he was left handed, and so am I. I have more memories watching baseball and golf, on TV particularly, than any other sport. Football and basketball was big in my house too, though.

I played softball for, like, 7 seasons, I think. I never really loved it. Maybe that was because I didn’t think I was very good. I remember it being more something I had to do. I played nearly every position at some point; I never pitched.  I was mostly an outfielder; that could also be a reason I never really loved it. There isn’t a lot of action out there!


I remember one season where they were really trying to teach me to slide into the plate. I finally slid into home, once, I doubt it was very graceful! Another season I grew terrified to swing the bat. Being a lefty, many pitchers did not know how to pitch to me. I would get hit a lot. Fuck, looking back, maybe I really was bad!! Also, the uniforms never looked good on me. I am far too short for the pants. I still have a glove and ball though; I like to throw around from time to time!

My point in all of this; the reason I wanted to write on this subject is because I married a huge sports fan! This is both really fun, and can be really annoying. The history facts he can remember are remarkable. He’s not even book smart about it, it’s just natural intelligence. He can remember where he was, what he was doing, when such and such event occurred like I can with music, just his memory is far more amplified than mine! Then, the rest of the facts, from a time before he existed, he knows just because that is his interest. Listening to all these facts can be annoying… and is often where I loose interest. Although, if needed, it’s a great conversation starter and/or way to get his mind off things that may be troublesome.


Our first trip together was to Seattle to watch Seahawks vs. St. Louis Rams, or so they were at the time. Another time we vacationed to his hometown, and while there, we made sure to catch an NFL game, whether we liked the teams playing, or not. One of our favorite events we’ve attended together was at a local college football game. We did the whole tailgate thing; It is such a fun memory! Going to sporting events, of any kind, is one of our favorite things to do in our free time!

Autzen-Stadium.jpg


I’ve spent a lot of time and energy learning more about football, specifically.

I always joke that we wouldn’t be married if I didn’t take an interest in sports! That’s not exactly true, of course. I think it is important to find an appreciation for the things each other find interesting. We are not the type of couple who like to spend too much time apart. We enjoy each other and prefer to find things we both like to do, together.

Anyways, I have learned more about the game by watching (on my own, mind you, so I can HEAR what the commentators are saying, and also because it enables me to form my OWN opinions,) by listening to sports talk radio while I am in the car, through apps on my phone, and by asking a lot of questions. I’ve really committed to trying to find out the latest news BEFORE my husband. It’s a competition, in a way, I’ve created for myself; it makes it more fun for me to stay involved. Also, I love gossip about the rich and famous, and football -players are some of the richest, don’t you think?!


The most annoying thing about all of this is how difficult it is for me to have discussions with people about sports, other than my husband. Yes, I’ve committed to sharing this interest with him, for him, but it has also become my interest. I strongly feel that, because I am a woman, people (men) assume I don’t know anything and don’t want to carry on a discussion about it. Can’t a girl do and say anything she wants to in this day in age?!!! The answer is, yes, for the most part, in America anyways, but there are still so many biases, judgments, and assumptions.

There’s that word again.

ASSUME. ASSUMPTION.

This post could easily turn angles at this point. I’m feeling a need to write out my thoughts/feelings on those of us who have those judgments about others based on their own biases. The people that keep women, for example, frozen in time and categorized in a non existent box. People that may be a bit too closed minded; rather than asking questions, getting to know people, investing in the beauty the world, and its inhabitants, have to offer, they ASSUME things are a certain way and that their way is correct…

My apologies, I’ll leave it at that today. That is for another post, with a different title. One that may warn you to “read ahead only if…” Back to sports:

I have not yet reached a point in my sports “passion,” if you will, where I can talk, like many men I know, and talk, and talk, about sports. It becomes this political-type battle, almost.  I haven’t developed such an opinion that I could endlessly waste time analyzing the topic to death. Now give me a topic regarding Shia LeBeouf and that’s another story! Included in this matter, I have not acquired a strong distaste for other teams, or people who like those teams because they are my rival, or whatever other of the many reasons others adopt. I hope I never do. That is categorizing a group of people because of something they do, or are interested, and that is just not who I am, or try not to be anyways. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a mild distaste for other teams, or more often, individual players. This is based on behaviors that I, personally, find… distasteful 😉 These behaviors include anything that is distracting, or taking away from the fact that they are talented, rich, and famous for their particular skill in their particular sport. In football, for example, egos get in the way; money/contracts. I have an expectation that you have humility, gratefulness, and respect for what you are doing. There are many currently active players who, in my mind, I’ve lost respect for, and my enjoyment of watching them has diminished because their focus isn’t on the right things. Sometimes it is multiple payers on a team, and even the type of fans the team has, that will give the entire team a bad name. I am using restraint here… Basically, unless they are Andy Dalton, you suck!!! Jokes, jokes.


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Speaking of which, how have I rambled on this long without mentioning the Cincinnati Bengals? Yes, they are “my” team.

Where/when did this proclamation begin? The one where sports fans, and actually, even those who just kind of/but not really care, have a team they call “mine?”

When I was young, I don’t personally remember, I have just been told, I would see the Bengals playing on TV and I would say “Zebra!” I don’t know if I was color blind at the time, or if nobody taught me my animals correctly, but they were not the Bengals, they were the Zebras, and that is why they are now my team.

I will spare you of the very partial, yet well informed, facts regarding how well MY 2017-2018 team is going be, though. I believe in the magic of the universe, and with the season right around the corner, I do not want to jinx anything. I will just insert a little photo here and let it speak for itself:

Superbowl

#WhoDey / #Superbowl

Creativity. Through Music.

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Pondering on this theme I’ve begun looking into, creativity.

MUSIC.

It does not surprise me that this idea formed into my first true blog entry. Music has been such a part of my being, always.  It is how I often remember, or reference, times in my life; dates. I used to find so much fulfillment through music. I still do, I suppose, but not in the same way.

It has changed.

Maybe that is because I’ve gotten older, and I don’t lock myself in my bedroom anymore with the lights off and just jam out to whatever I’m feeling lyrically.

JAM OUT.

I used to do that so much. It was like therapy. One memory that comes to mind, specifically, while in my bedroom, is listening to Staind’s, Break the Cycle album, over and over. It was such an appropriate album for the emotions I was feeling at the time.

When I was growing up in Cd’A, ID, there were always roads to drive around aimlessly on. There was also always an appropriate record, or album, specifically suited for cruising. It solved everything. For me in this situation, I can remember listening to 4 Non-Blondes, What’s Up record. I still like reverting back to that one from time to time.

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Did you know Sara Gilbert, actress best known, in my mind, as Darlene from Roseanne during the 90s, is married to Linda Perry from 4 Non-Blondes? Roseanne is one of my FAVORITE shows ever… but that is a completely different subject I might dive into another time.

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All through grade school I was in choir. An alto. I have nothing but good memories from choir. It didn’t make me the most popular girl in school, but I’m so glad I have those memories. I wouldn’t have been involved much in school functions if I wasn’t in choir.

I’ve gone through so many genre phases throughout my life too.

Boy bands in middle school. I’m sure I was into all the pop shit that was so huge in the late 90s, early 2000s. I do still have a deep appreciation for Justin Timberlake, though. I think he is a talent unlike any other. I could probably write a whole entry about that all by itself!

Classic Rock held my heart starting my senior year of high school, probably. Deep Purple, Smoke on the Water. Ozzy Osbourne, Mama, I’m Coming Home. The Beatles. Tom Petty. Bad Company… Bad Company will always be a favorite. Now bands like Nirvana and Red Hot Chili Peppers are playing on classic rock radio, it breaks my heart. I think I’m in denial that they have been around long enough… or maybe it’s that I’VE been around long enough, to be put into that category in music.

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Probably my #1 favorite band of all time. I’m going to see them this summer. I cannot wait! They were the first concert I ever went to September 2nd, 2002 at Spokane, WA Raceway Park. 30 Seconds to Mars opened and gave out free albums before anyone really cared who Jared Leto was.

Country. I grew up listening to country music. I don’t listen to it as often now, although I will go through short phases of wanting to from time to time.

LeAnn Rimes was one artist, in particular, that I used to be SO obsessed with! I would yodel to her Blue album downstairs in my brother’s room because I thought it had the best acoustics. She was in this movie called “Holiday in You Heart,” in 1997. If I remember correctly, it was a fictional movie, although based off her life; A journey to singing at the Grand Ole Opry. I was gifted the book version for Christmas that year, and I don’t know that I ever cried from receiving a gift other than that one!

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Country music is so reliable, and safe, to me. Lyrics about trucks, drinking beer, good-looking woman, and God. The music, itself, has changed so much. The twang is gone, and it is more pop, and/or rock, infused now. The lyrics, though, still safe, and reliable!

Hip Hop. I listen to a lot of hip hop nowadays. My perspective on hip hop has been changing lately, however. You see, I have an appreciation for the talent rappers have. The actual talent of rap. I feel like there isn’t as much of that right now, at least not in the main stream. So much of the main stream is about the beats and style of which the artist raps. The lyrics themselves, aren’t that good, many times. They are derogatory towards woman, or towards any intellectual life, really.  That isn’t new. Much of the debate over the years, about hip hop music, is the lifestyle that is portrayed within the lyrics.

I started working with youth. who take the actual lyrics of hip hop, the meaning behind it, and make it life. They have gotten into some legal trouble, and I have begun to see that it has helped support their frame of mind; one that is overwhelmed by things far more powerful than these lyrics, but the lyrics take on a more real perspective for these youth. I don’t do that, and many don’t, because we are in a head space where we can appreciate the lyrics for what they are.

So my appreciation isn’t quite as pure as it once was, and I’m finding myself exploring different genres again. New ones, because I am new in a city that offers a more dynamic range than I am used to, and older genres also. Older in context, and older, as in, getting back into things I used to listen to.

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Introduction

Thank you so much for checking out my blog!

I have been needing some creativity in my life. I enjoy a lot of things, but I live a lifestyle that doesn’t allow me to fully explore these things. Many of us live this way, don’t we?!

So I’m taking matters into my own hands, and hoping that, with you, I can better find myself. Finding myself, may even be, what I’m needing more than creativity!

Either way, I hope to learn, grow, and have some fun! That’s what life is about, isn’t it?!

Thank you, again, for your support. As I get started, please send me your feedback. I did mention that I hope to learn and grow, didn’t I?! I can’t do that without some input.

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