Happy New Year! 🎉

Goodbye 2020 and good riddance!

This was such a trying year for all of us. It was one that took life altering turns every day, or so it seemed. So much has happened I don’t think we even realize it.

  • It started with the Australian bushfires which burned millions of acres and affected billions of animals. It was so devastating to watch. A heartbreaking reality of climate change. The damage is so severe that we won’t know the true effects of it for years to come.
  • Kobe Bryant died. That was a shock and the sports world will never be the same due to his abrupt loss.
  • COVID-19 stunned every one of us and is still wreaking havoc. The details I could go in… but we all know. It would be the most trying year with just this pandemic alone.
  • George Floyd’s murder was so horrific and devastating that it started an uproar across the world. This movement taught me so much. It’s a multi dimensional topic. I’m hopeful the work that has been put in by so many will pay off in great strides.
  • All the bullshit with President Trump. Eww. Joe Biden winning the election is one of the few beautiful things that came out of this year.

For me it was almost all negative.

There are, of course, some positive things that come to mind:

  • My son started walking!
  • My husband is cancer free
  • My faith has increased and I’ve been trying to build a relationship with God.
  • We’ve been able to make some smart financial decisions thanks to the stability of my husband’s job and my unemployment. Serving tables makes money but you never know what it’s going to bring in. Sometimes the money is good and sometimes it’s not so good. Unemployment has been a constant and allowed for us to make informed decisions.
  • My 16 year old cat, Boo Boo, has made it through another year!

Most of the year, however, I’ve been in fear of getting COVID. I have steered clear so far, thank the Lord. I’ve been so very careful. I always wear my mask. I’ve visited only a few of the same stores, mostly shopping online. I invited 3 people to my house in October, they were extended family, and that is the ONLY socialization I’ve had outside of work. Can you believe that? The only socialization I’ve had outside of work. It’s been devastating. And even then I was a bit paranoid because I didn’t know my cousin was in a new relationship and they had moved in together which got me worried about how many interactions with others he’s had!

When I went back to work in June, I believe, it seemed silly that I’m working in a profession that I consider nonessential and putting myself at risk despite how safe I’m being in my personal life. We do not need to be sitting down in restaurants right now. Restrictions have tightened so much that I am serving people outside only, in December, in 40 degree weather. The longer this pandemic goes on, the less it seems people take it seriously. Helping strangers get drunk while they sit outside in a public place during a pandemic feels very reckless. I worry my odds of contracting it get better every shift I work. But I’m doing it to help provide for my family, you know?

If I get COVID, I think I’d be fine. That’s not so much a worry, although I don’t prefer to find out if that’s true or not. I am at home with my son full time so he would contract it. How do we isolate from my husband in my 1000 square foot home? I guess we would pay for him to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks? We can’t afford that but we can’t afford for both of us to be out of work for 2 weeks either. So we’d have to make a choice, I guess. Then hope that Lincoln would be healthy overcoming the virus but how sad would it be to watch him go through that? Plus, we don’t really know the long term effects on our body for those who get it. We’ve never lived through this in our lifetime! The whole situation is just terrifying so all I can do is keeping being as responsible as I can and pray that my family is okay in the end.

It was such a lonely year, right? I see so many people I know back home in Idaho that carried on with life as though there is not a global pandemic going on. So many selfish people all over behaving this way. It’s infuriating. I saw how big of an asshole people are at their core. This has really brought out the ugliest in humanity. I’m a rather lonely person to begin with as I’ve shared with you. Not that I try relentlessly with people in my life but it would have been the most valuable time for me to have that friend or family member who reached out with the intention to make a meaningful connection. It would have been a nice outlet on behalf of my marriage, as well, to have had that relationship. It’s important to be able to vent struggles with someone you trust other than your significant other. Despite all the time we’ve spent together, we need some quality alone time and Lincoln needs some time with someone he trusts other than his parents. I worry about Lincoln’s development and the lack of social interaction. He has people that have never met him that love him. I’m so thankful for that. But he needs little people around him too and I haven’t been able to provide that with the pandemic and it has made an impact. Time will tell if it’s temporary or long term.

All of this hasn’t been the best look on me. I will not be one of those folks who leaves the year and all the quarantine time as a better person. At least, I can’t see that being the case in this moment. I’ve had bad thoughts, I had breakdowns with tears and screaming. I am my best self when I have a purpose and consistency mixed in with some chaos and fun. It’s all been too much for me. Everything has been amplified. This ties into my worries with Lincoln, as well. He’s the person that see’s me the most when I’m not at my best. We spend the most time together. He’s really little but is my stress and the way I cope affecting him too?

Well anyway, things have been hard and the theme seems to be that time will tell. COVID-19 isn’t going anywhere tomorrow which means many of the consequential issues aren’t going anywhere anytime soon either. My prayer for the new year is that it does get better. For me and my family, yes, but for humanity. I’m not the only one feeling all these things and people have had it much harder than I. Bless your heart if you’ve had a good year (and fuck off a little bit too.) 😝

A resolution… I think I do better with goals. I’m a long term, committed kinda chick. When the pandemic hit, I called someone to see what I needed to do in order to buy a house in the area. I wrote everything down and hope to be able to buy one by fall. “Time will tell,” but this will be my ultimate plan for 2021. I’m beyond sick of renting, I hate landlords because none of them give a shit, and it seems like my neighbors only aspire to win the trashiest yard award? Most importantly, I’d love for Lincoln to have his own house so he can do so many more activities!

It will be year 2 for my son. I pray that he starts talking and we get him potty trained during this time. My goal would be (assuming we get past COVID-19) that we find a daycare for him. This would allow me to get back into the workforce full time and get him some daily interaction with other kids and adults. Maybe this would even allow for some of that very necessary quality time my husband and I need!

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. All of our time is precious and you must have found it to be worth yours to spend some of it in my thoughts. I truly appreciate it. Blessings to you in the coming year. Stay safe. Please do your part to get us all past this.

Be better 2021!

💛 Katie

Journaling: Self-Love – Part 4

What are my 5 favorite ways to relax?

I enjoy a massage although my body needs them more than I get them.

I like a bubble bath with a glass of red wine.

Taking a walk along the ocean is something I do so rarely but my headspace is the most clear after doing so than it is after anything else I’ve done.

I used to meditate a lot before I had my son. It would get my head right before work or before bed. It has really helped me. I need to start doing it more often.

I also enjoy sitting in bed and watching reality TV. I used to do this more, as well, before… let’s get real, everything used to happen more before I had my son! Relaxing doesn’t happens often but the time will come again!

Share what qualities I think others admire about me:

I hate questions like these. It sounds like an interview question, doesn’t it? I guess that’s a reason I decided to write this series, though. Positive self analysis is good especially if you’re like me and see the problems within yourself more the assets. It just makes me uncomfortable and I find they take me the longest to answer. I have literally finished typing my thoughts on every other topic here and left this one last. I’ve even edited my way back through, proofread, inserted images, and have everything set so I can publish as soon as I get through it!

I think my honesty is admirable. This can also be a fault of mine. At times, it may be better to withhold the truth but I feel SO guilty when I do. It is admirable because lying comes natural and easy for many people. They may lie because they’re scared, or because of their ego, or because they’re too insecure to tell the truth about whatever situation but those are the reasons I’m truthful.

Due to my honesty, I think people find me trustworthy and that’s admirable because it’s hard to trust people.

These qualities also make me real. Sometimes I think that is why I have less people in my life than others. It’s as if they weed themselves out because there is no bullshit between”you” and I. I guess it’s an admirable quality because it is rare? Why, I may never understand.

  • Honest
  • Trustworthy
  • Real

I’m curious about others thoughts on this topic. Please leave a comment and let me know!

My proudest moment so far in life has been:

Giving birth to my son.

How annoying, eye roll kind of answer is that? Haha.

I was always terrified of the act of giving birth. That’s one of the reasons I put off having a child for so long. But my whole birthing journey (ew, for lack of a better term) was one I’ll never forget despite having the worlds worst memory. It was such a positive experience overall and I cant believe I did it! The whole process of pregnancy, birth, and then recovery is amazing. I’m proud that I went through it and feel blessed that I was able to. It all feels like a dream in a way.

What do I need to make more time for?

I need to make more time for my marriage. Quality time. My husband and I both do. We need to figure out if and how we want to do that. Parenthood has put a large strain on us, as it does for most I’m sure. We haven’t had the opportunity to prioritize our new selves since becoming parents. We need to decide if we still feel the same way for one another as we did before, and if so, how can we reconnect and keep connecting, moving forward.

The best dream I’ve ever had:

3 stand out although my memory isn’t very vivid.

When my grandma first passed away, that would have been in early 2016, I remember her appearing in one of my dreams. It made me feel like she was with me and I remember her being healthy and happy.

When I was pregnant with Lincoln in 2018, he appeared in one of my dreams. I don’t remember if I knew what sex he was yet at that time or if I was able to tell from the dream. “My baby” was smiling at me though and it comforted me. I felt assured that he would come into this world healthy and happy.

The last one was recent, this one also with Lincoln. In the dream he went from his usual nonverbal communication to clear as day verbal communication within the same sentence. That may be unrealistic to what will really happen but again, it comforted me. It showed me that he will speak when he’s ready and the worry I’m feeling about his delay will disappear along with many other milestones I’ve waited for him to hit, of which he always has!

Join me for ‘Journaling: Self-Love – Part 5’ I will be tasked to:

  • Answer what I have done lately for myself.
  • Share my ideal pamper routine.
  • Decide what I need to start saying “yes” to.
  • Describe my favorite physical feature.
  • Explain my self-care routine?.

Journaling – Self-Love. Part 3

Explore what makes me A Good Friend

One of the traits that make me a good friend is my loyalty. If I’m able to trust you and rely on you and truly connect with you, I’m yours! I don’t have many friends and it has been like that my entire life. I want friends, I need friends, but I choose genuine and present souls to be around and that is something you don’t come across every day.

Another trait that makes me a good friend is that I am a good listener. I have found that in life, in general, people like to talk about themselves! More so than I do, anyway. So I’ve been able to connect with others by asking questions which often leads to a connection of some kind. I spend enough time bullshitting chit chat in my work life. I enjoy a good conversation with those I get to spend quality time with.

The last trait I will explore today that makes me a good friend is my ability to have fun! I am a Gemini, after all. Yes, I like to get deep and real and all up in emotions. I also am a really good time and find it so important to let loose. I don’t get to do that near enough nowadays, and that’s okay, but I can certainly tell at times it takes a toll on my headspace. Too much responsibility and good decision making does not make for a happy life/wife/momma.

Share a Funny Story that makes me Laugh every time:

It’s no secret I have a horrible memory but thanks to this video that I post from time to time on social media, I have something to share with you!

It is from both a drunken night and time spent with my husband! What could be better?

One of our favorite getaways was when we went to see Kings of Leon in Seattle in early 2014. That year just kicked ass in general. This is from the end of the night, after walking home from the concert:

What have I done lately that I haven’t been able to brag about?

This one is taking some thought, but I’m going to say waking up everyday and running the household without support. It is not something I would brag about to my coworkers, for example. The average person in my life probably wouldn’t get it nor give a shit. I’m doing what I have to do, like anyone would, and they’re correct. But if my mom and I spoke, I would definitely brag about it to her. Someone who knows how hard it is to keep up on the home, raise children, work, run errands… all the things it takes. It deserves credit because life is not meant to be lived without support from family and friends. My husband and I both deserve bragging rights for our roles in creating this life for our son. It’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done.

My favorite meal is…

Hmm. I love a good seafood pasta dish.

On Christmas Eve we’ve made the dinner tradition of homemade Alfredo pasta. I will add shrimp to mine.

Yeah, I’m comfortable saying a good seafood pasta dish with some bread, oil and vinegar, and maybe a Caesar salad.

When I was young, living in CdA, ID, there was a restaurant downtown (it’s still there) named Crickets. This has since changed as a menu option but I used to be able to order a bucket of clams. It was, I don’t know, a couple of pounds of clams at least, and that was the best thing ever!

When I was pregnant, my husband and I went to Newport, OR for his birthday in November. Mo’s Seafood and Chowder is famous around the coast. I was craving fresh clams so I ordered theirs. It was everything I wanted and the closest I’ve had match my memories at Crickets. Although I’m sure what made Crickets clams the best thing ever was more that I had all of them to myself than them actually being the best ever! They were not fresh like Mo’s. I liked them so much I took a photo!

Soaking up all that butter with the bread! Mmm Mm Mm. I remember it like it was yesterday!

Enough about steamer clams, I digress! I didn’t know I would go off about them for so long. Ha. My goodness!

What am I proud of myself for today?

I’ll answer this one based off my bragging thoughts above. I’m proud to get through another day. I’m sure so many of us feel this way for various reasons. There have been times, though, where you just don’t feel like you can take one more minute of… whatever it is. But then you do!

Like clockwork, I’m up around the same time with my son. The day brings some of the consistent ‘bang your head against the wall’ challenges, along with some new ones, and thankfully some blessings too. Being home full time with him can feel very repetitive. I often leave the day with a prayer asking for help in how I handle these challenges. Lucky for me, I get a chance to try again and that motivates me to get through the repetitive, routine challenges that far outweigh the blessings most of the time.

For “Journaling-Self Love. Part 4,” I will be tasked to:

  • List my 5 favorite ways to relax
  • Share what qualities I think others admire about me.
  • Explore my proudest moment.
  • Discuss what I need to make more time for.
  • Describe the best dream I’ve ever had.