Goodbye 2020 and good riddance!
This was such a trying year for all of us. It was one that took life altering turns every day, or so it seemed. So much has happened I don’t think we even realize it.
- It started with the Australian bushfires which burned millions of acres and affected billions of animals. It was so devastating to watch. A heartbreaking reality of climate change. The damage is so severe that we won’t know the true effects of it for years to come.
- Kobe Bryant died. That was a shock and the sports world will never be the same due to his abrupt loss.
- COVID-19 stunned every one of us and is still wreaking havoc. The details I could go in… but we all know. It would be the most trying year with just this pandemic alone.
- George Floyd’s murder was so horrific and devastating that it started an uproar across the world. This movement taught me so much. It’s a multi dimensional topic. I’m hopeful the work that has been put in by so many will pay off in great strides.
- All the bullshit with President Trump. Eww. Joe Biden winning the election is one of the few beautiful things that came out of this year.
For me it was almost all negative.
There are, of course, some positive things that come to mind:
- My son started walking!
- My husband is cancer free
- My faith has increased and I’ve been trying to build a relationship with God.
- We’ve been able to make some smart financial decisions thanks to the stability of my husband’s job and my unemployment. Serving tables makes money but you never know what it’s going to bring in. Sometimes the money is good and sometimes it’s not so good. Unemployment has been a constant and allowed for us to make informed decisions.
- My 16 year old cat, Boo Boo, has made it through another year!
Most of the year, however, I’ve been in fear of getting COVID. I have steered clear so far, thank the Lord. I’ve been so very careful. I always wear my mask. I’ve visited only a few of the same stores, mostly shopping online. I invited 3 people to my house in October, they were extended family, and that is the ONLY socialization I’ve had outside of work. Can you believe that? The only socialization I’ve had outside of work. It’s been devastating. And even then I was a bit paranoid because I didn’t know my cousin was in a new relationship and they had moved in together which got me worried about how many interactions with others he’s had!
When I went back to work in June, I believe, it seemed silly that I’m working in a profession that I consider nonessential and putting myself at risk despite how safe I’m being in my personal life. We do not need to be sitting down in restaurants right now. Restrictions have tightened so much that I am serving people outside only, in December, in 40 degree weather. The longer this pandemic goes on, the less it seems people take it seriously. Helping strangers get drunk while they sit outside in a public place during a pandemic feels very reckless. I worry my odds of contracting it get better every shift I work. But I’m doing it to help provide for my family, you know?
If I get COVID, I think I’d be fine. That’s not so much a worry, although I don’t prefer to find out if that’s true or not. I am at home with my son full time so he would contract it. How do we isolate from my husband in my 1000 square foot home? I guess we would pay for him to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks? We can’t afford that but we can’t afford for both of us to be out of work for 2 weeks either. So we’d have to make a choice, I guess. Then hope that Lincoln would be healthy overcoming the virus but how sad would it be to watch him go through that? Plus, we don’t really know the long term effects on our body for those who get it. We’ve never lived through this in our lifetime! The whole situation is just terrifying so all I can do is keeping being as responsible as I can and pray that my family is okay in the end.
It was such a lonely year, right? I see so many people I know back home in Idaho that carried on with life as though there is not a global pandemic going on. So many selfish people all over behaving this way. It’s infuriating. I saw how big of an asshole people are at their core. This has really brought out the ugliest in humanity. I’m a rather lonely person to begin with as I’ve shared with you. Not that I try relentlessly with people in my life but it would have been the most valuable time for me to have that friend or family member who reached out with the intention to make a meaningful connection. It would have been a nice outlet on behalf of my marriage, as well, to have had that relationship. It’s important to be able to vent struggles with someone you trust other than your significant other. Despite all the time we’ve spent together, we need some quality alone time and Lincoln needs some time with someone he trusts other than his parents. I worry about Lincoln’s development and the lack of social interaction. He has people that have never met him that love him. I’m so thankful for that. But he needs little people around him too and I haven’t been able to provide that with the pandemic and it has made an impact. Time will tell if it’s temporary or long term.
All of this hasn’t been the best look on me. I will not be one of those folks who leaves the year and all the quarantine time as a better person. At least, I can’t see that being the case in this moment. I’ve had bad thoughts, I had breakdowns with tears and screaming. I am my best self when I have a purpose and consistency mixed in with some chaos and fun. It’s all been too much for me. Everything has been amplified. This ties into my worries with Lincoln, as well. He’s the person that see’s me the most when I’m not at my best. We spend the most time together. He’s really little but is my stress and the way I cope affecting him too?
Well anyway, things have been hard and the theme seems to be that time will tell. COVID-19 isn’t going anywhere tomorrow which means many of the consequential issues aren’t going anywhere anytime soon either. My prayer for the new year is that it does get better. For me and my family, yes, but for humanity. I’m not the only one feeling all these things and people have had it much harder than I. Bless your heart if you’ve had a good year (and fuck off a little bit too.) 😝
A resolution… I think I do better with goals. I’m a long term, committed kinda chick. When the pandemic hit, I called someone to see what I needed to do in order to buy a house in the area. I wrote everything down and hope to be able to buy one by fall. “Time will tell,” but this will be my ultimate plan for 2021. I’m beyond sick of renting, I hate landlords because none of them give a shit, and it seems like my neighbors only aspire to win the trashiest yard award? Most importantly, I’d love for Lincoln to have his own house so he can do so many more activities!
It will be year 2 for my son. I pray that he starts talking and we get him potty trained during this time. My goal would be (assuming we get past COVID-19) that we find a daycare for him. This would allow me to get back into the workforce full time and get him some daily interaction with other kids and adults. Maybe this would even allow for some of that very necessary quality time my husband and I need!
As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. All of our time is precious and you must have found it to be worth yours to spend some of it in my thoughts. I truly appreciate it. Blessings to you in the coming year. Stay safe. Please do your part to get us all past this.
Be better 2021!