Depleted

In mid-December there were two separate events that occurred in my life that shook me. Both events involved people that needed me. Both events put me in a situation that I wasn’t fully prepared for. Both events were completely different but both left me feeling like the person on the other end didn’t nurture my feelings in the same way that I was expected to nurture theirs. Both events forced me to exert clear boundaries. One relationship was negatively affected by my boundaries, the other is yet to be determined but it certainly is in a better state than the aforementioned.

Setting boundaries can be really lonely. I have lost a lot of relationships because of them. The point of my post today is that I am observing in my life that I give far more than I receive. This is not a new observation but it must be coming to a head for me because I am feeling consistently depleted. I think these two events really opened my eyes in a way that woke me up. My days end most often feeling like I did “whatever” today and got nothing out of it. I’m frequently wondering why I made “whatever” decision because that decision wasn’t in my best interest. I think I’m at a turning point. I need to take a break from giving! #clutchpearls

Going forward I know that I need to make time for me and insist that I spend more time on myself, whatever that may be. I went by myself in February to a “Gong Meditation” and greatly enjoyed that. I have a “Sound Bath” scheduled for this weekend. I meditated a lot before I got pregnant and found it to be a positive practice for me. I have been wanting to completely eliminate drinking from my life but have been unsuccessful. I enjoy it! My goal is to conquer it once and for all by age 40. I think showing myself that I have the strength to do that when it’s a personal choice (versus a forced need) is a really important gift I can offer myself. Alcohol is so awful for all of our health, I hate that it is so fun to drink! I also love to read books and write my blog, obviously. I should spend time doing both of those things more! My body is telling me that I can no longer put myself aside. It is time for me to make an investment in myself and I need to begin taking steps towards putting effort into my own well-being.

I also think I need to actively work on saying no and not caving in due to feelings of obligation or with the hopes that it will be worthwhile in the end. I am comfortable setting boundaries and am willing to take the risk that comes with that. I can also recognize that it takes me a lot before I set those boundaries. By the time I set a boundary, my patience has run out and there is no other way through. This doesn’t necessarily apply to the two events I’ve been referring to but in more common circumstances I can recognize this. I could offer a dozen examples of times in my life when I should have just said no because it served me zero to say yes! Here’s one:

I went to this children’s party that I had RSVP’d to months in advance. It ended up being held on the same weekend we moved into our new house. Obviously an inconvenient time to attend a party. I RSVP’d long before we bought the house. We made it happen though, we made the effort in the hopes of building a relationship with this family, and it didn’t end up benefitting us in the end. Well, my son had a blast I suppose so no harm there, but overall it was something I should have just canceled. We really put ourselves out to make it work for no “reward.” We were invited to one other event with this family afterwards and the mom of the child didn’t even talk to me. It was really confusing and uncomfortable. I’m not sure what happened along the way but the efforts my family made with the intention of building a relationship with this other family was one-sided.

I can offer a lot of grace to myself as to how I’ve gotten to this point of depletion. I think I’ve lost myself over time. Life can force us to focus too much on surviving depending on the choices we make and the circumstances were given. Life can, and should, be more than just survival. I’ve said it before, I owe it to my son to offer him a great life and that includes me being the best parent I can be. Right now that is by trying to put myself first more often. He’ll be in Kindergarten in the fall. He’s 5 now. I have a supportive husband. I need to make some real changes. I just hope I can!

✌🏻Katie